How To Be Likeable While Helpfully Criticizing Others
Here’s a conundrum: How can you deliver a hated, feared, and unwanted thought while grabbing a spot in someone’s good books? Giving helpful criticism while being likeable is a challenging art to master, but with practice and understanding, it can be achieved.
STORY TIME…
My friend supervised at a McDonald’s led by an underperforming manager. He criticized his manager’s late schedules, disorganized operations, and unachievable demands. In return, the manager harshly criticized his mistakes and held him to a higher standard than any supervisor. My friend transferred to another McDonald’s. Months later, his previous manager quit. Ironically, the manager emailed complaints about lack of support to the district manger and human resources. The district manager did not appreciate these criticisms and treated this store harsher than any other. Unable to withstand the feedback and performance pressure, the manager quit.
From Dale Carnegie in How To Win Friends And Influence People:
“99 times out of 100, people don’t criticize themselves for anything.”
People reflect on their actions in private, but are rarely open to public critique. On the surface, criticism should work:
If I offer you an honest helpful critique, and you get upset, then it’s your fault for not being able to take criticism and prosper.
That is a common view when criticizing, and this is how people view criticism when it gets under their skin:
Why would they say that? They have no right.
They think they’re better than me. They have all the answers.
They should keep their opinions to themselves.
Criticism is ineffective when mishandled. It forces people to defend their actions, beliefs, and values, to avoid the shame of being wrong. Criticism does not lead to lasting changes if it is viewed as an attack, and the person under critique becomes resentful.
“Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”
-Abraham Lincoln
Carnegie writes about Lincoln, who in his youth, relied on public criticism of opponents. He published a scathing critique of opponent James Shields in a national newspaper. Shields took major offence and challenged Lincoln to a duel to the death. Third parties interrupted the battle, but Lincoln’s stance on criticism changed forever. He never published another criticism of any opponent, and abstained from criticism when he could.
Lincoln knew people are not logical, they are emotional. If James Shields were logical, he would not challenge Lincoln to a fight for his life. Criticism hurt Shields’ pride and vanity, and he believed he could only redeem himself by killing Lincoln. Carnegie’s takeaway lesson is:
“If you want to be likeable, do not criticize, condemn, or complain.”
What if I don’t care about being likeable, I just want the person I’m criticizing to change?
How do we explain blunt truthful criticisms from leaders who couldn’t care less if their employees liked them? Take Steve Jobs, a leader known for harsh criticisms. He pushed people to build products meeting his standards, and if they didn’t, they were threatened, criticized, or fired. Carnegie would disapprove of Jobs’ use of criticism, but applaud his EMPATHY.
Yes, Jobs was EMPATHETIC; a common trait in charismatic and likeable leaders. Jobs surrounded himself with like-minded people who wanted to “make a dent in the universe.” When Jobs pushed and criticized them, he knew what they wanted: They wanted to impress him. Why did they want to impress someone who criticized them for every missed detail? Because they knew how dedicated he was to the shared goal and he became admired and revered for this.
It’s hard to persuade people to change or improve without knowing what they want. To know what someone wants, you need empathy. You need to put yourself in another’s shoes and understand their mistakes, then they will accept your criticism. Empathy makes helpful criticism effective and contributes to one’s likability.
Is Empathy Enough?
The goal is to minimize criticism. The less you criticize the more likeable you are. Some managers claim their praise needs to be earned through hard work. That’s fair, but criticism should also be earned through hard work. Not every mistake warrants criticism. Criticism should be offered sparingly, and praise frequently. When someone improves after a criticism, make sure you praise them whole-heartedly. This brings out the best in people, and opens them to future criticism.
How Should I Approach Criticism?
Even Lincoln had to criticize. It’s inevitable. I suggest approaching criticism like a doctor approaches giving a needle to a child. Doctors (good ones) make strange faces and sounds, even performing dances, to raise a child’s level of joy before administering a needle. They sacrifice face in front of parents and you should too.
Mention some of your own relatable short comings. Show your humanity and build common ground. While sacrificing face, give praise. Always give praise before criticizing, it numbs the sting. Lastly, shrink the criticism. Make it small and fixable. This gives confidence to the receiver to tackle the issue.
In The End…
Remember, criticism hurts. Ultimately you will encounter situations where the receiver’s feelings are hurt. The child usually cries when it feels the needles’ sting, despite the doctors silly faces and dancing. The approach numbs the sting and will serve you better than being blunt. The goal is to steer away from criticism whenever possible, praise often, and practice empathy. This will make you likeable and ensure your criticism is received as well as it can be.
